


I Forgot How Cold It Could Be

by kyewopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Band, Anxiety, Letters, M/M, This Is Sad, joshler - Freeform, mention of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-12-29 21:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen/pseuds/kyewopen
Summary: Basically Tyler is writing letters to Josh





	1. Chapter 1

_21/12/2014_

 

 

_Dear Josh,_

 

_I just came back from my appointment with the therapist. He's the one who suggested I write you letters. They will eventually end up on the corner of my desk with all my notebooks, just next to that picture we took in London last year next to the Tower Bridge... Do you remember? I hope you do. Because this picture is always with me, in my wallet. I think it's just a way for me to keep you by my side, you know? It's stupid, isn't it? I know that’s what you would have said. But it's the only thing that keeps me holding on. Because it's hard, Josh. God, it's hard._

_That’s why he asked me to write you letters. He said it could 'reduce the pain'. I don't know if it will work one day, Josh. ‘Cause I know for a fact you'll never read these letters. But at least, I would have tried, right? Because believe me, Josh, I'm fighting against all this, I'm trying. Shortly after you left, my parents made me go and see a psychologist. I hated them for it, and the first time, I just went reluctantly. But as time went by, I felt like maybe it could help me. So I went back many times until it became a kind of habit. And now, I'm going every week. Every Thursday between 5 and 6pm, to be more precise. I used to see you at your place at that time, do you remember? And during each appointment, I try to say it, Josh. You need to know that. I'm always trying. But words just don't come out. They're stuck at the back of my throat. According to him, the period of acceptance is the longest one, and he must be right, don't you think? This is the first step to take, that’s what he told me this morning. But it's been a year today. It's been a year, Josh. And I still can't accept it. I just can't. But will I be ready one day? That’s the question I'm asking myself repeatedly, over and over again. Eliott is sure of it. Eliott is the name of my therapist. He keeps telling me it can take a long time. But I'm tired of waiting Josh. I know I can't let myself go. I know I can't give up. That’s what my mother tells me every night. And I'm trying. I'm doing it for her._

_She's really worried about me, she’s been since you left. Because I think she knew, Josh. I think she knew but she didn't say anything. She still hasn't talked to me about it because she knows I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to tell them. I think she's just waiting for the right time, you know? Or maybe, she's just waiting for me to say it. Speaking of my mom, I can hear her coming back from work. She will soon come up the stairs and tell me to go to bed. It's almost one am here, Josh. But she doesn't know I can't sleep. Because every time I close my eyes, I see this image. I won't describe it here because I simply can't do it again and because you know what I'm talking about. Of course you know. So I just stay awake. Otherwise, I'll be having that nightmare. The same one for a year now. I’ll dream of that day. But again, I won't talk about it. I don't want to think about it. ‘Cause it's tearing me apart, Josh. It's killing me._

_You were the better part of me. You were my rock, you know that, right? You were my rock, and now I feel so empty._

_I could have written you so many more pages, but I can hear my mom climbing the stairs._

 

_And again, what's the point in writing you these letters if it's making me relive all these bad memories?_

 

 

_Tyler._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weird Idea I got a few years ago (probably why it's written 2014) , it's an old fic, it will only be letters, hope you'll like it!


	2. Chapter 2

_08/01/2015._

 

 

_Dear Josh,_

 

 

_To be completely honest with you, I had planned not to write you these stupid letters I can't send anymore. But I think I need it. It's sad, isn't it? The only thing that keeps me going is to imagine you somewhere, writing on these blank sheets of paper and gradually realizing that I'm talking to myself. That's it's nothing but a fucking monologue. Because you're gone. And nothing can bring you back. Nothing can bring you back to this house, with your parents. Nothing can bring you back to the seat next to my desk, trying to explain to me how the exponential functions work. Nothing can bring you back to my bed, watching all those series. Nothing can bring you back to this high school, talking nonsense just to make me laugh. Nothing can bring you back to me. And I am barely starting to understand that._

_You know, all these days in this school feel so empty without you. I thought I would be strong enough. I thought I would be strong enough to keep my spirits up and to fight all this mess that’s been eating me up inside for a year. But I still can't see the results of my efforts. Teachers are telling me that it's time for me to move on, that's it's time for me to make new friends. But everyone seems so boring compared to you, Josh. Mr. Chatterton wanted to talk to me this morning. I think he knew it too. I think a lot of people knew, Josh. They just didn't say anything. He wanted to see me and we talked for an hour. We talked about you. About you and your bad temper. About you and your blue or pink hair and your gauges which used to make the secretary so angry. You only wore them to annoy her, only out of contrariness. You were a real pain in the ass, you know that, right? But to be honest, I think it was the main reason why people loved you, starting with me._

_We talked about you and we laughed. I know you liked this teacher. And he liked you too. You were a pain in the ass but you were a good student, that’s what he told me this morning. You didn’t work that hard though. And it was annoying. To see you reaching the top without having really revised while I was spending the whole night in my bedroom trying to learn the lessons and barely attaining the pass mark. It used to piss me off. And you used to only shrug your shoulders. Because you didn't give a damn about marks. Your dream was to become a drummer and to start a band with me. It was the only thing that motivated you. And we both knew it would never happen. It was impossible. But it didn't stop you from believing in that dream. You constantly got around the same obstacle which always ended up stabbing you in the back and bringing you back to reality. When that happened, you would come to my place to see me, even in the middle of the night, with a sad smile on your face. But you weren’t the one crying. I was. I would cry and you would hold me in your arms, and I’d cry even more. You had your moments of 'weakness' of course, but you only cracked once. And that night can't seem to stop haunting me. But the day after, you just woke up with the same smile on your face._

_We both knew it would catch up with you. We didn't know when and we tried hard to 'live for today' and not to think about it. Because you were strong but it was stronger. Because you had this willingness, this determination to beat it. But we both knew it would eventually smash you._

_Because it used to be the both of us._

 

_And now, I'm all alone._

 

_Tyler._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another one


	3. Chapter 3

_26/01/2015_

 

 

_I had an oral presentation today. A 20 minutes oral presentation. We don't really realize it but it's really long. Especially when you're asked to improvise. It was an idea of this weird teacher of oral communication. You wouldn't have been bothered though, I know it. Because you liked talking. You liked expressing yourself and talking about things that made you happy. And I liked listening to you. Especially in this class. Because last year too, she asked us to talk in front of everyone about anything we wanted for ten minutes. It was your favorite class, with History. You were so motivated that you were always early. And it used to make me laugh so much, it was so rare for you to be early. And I think it made the teacher happy. It made everyone happy._

_It was always the same. Each time, you had no trouble picking a topic. It could be anything. Because there were so many things you were interested in outside school. It could be a movie you saw, a book you read, a newspaper article you found interesting, or a band or artist you liked. It could be so many things. And it wasn't difficult for you to draw people into your world. We were all fascinated by what you had to say because you were passionate but also because you spoke about it in a way very different from the others. It was like all these things were a part of you. It was like they helped you survive in a way. It sounds daft to say it but it really was the feeling I had when you would speak in front of all those people. Sometimes, you would even speak about things that really mattered to you, things that could be source of conflict in school. I remember the time you spoke about bisexuality. A lot of people were shocked but you didn't care. Because you had a clear idea in your head and you wanted to share it with everybody else. You weren't afraid because you knew your opinion was the right one. And you would often manage to rally people around your cause. Nobody dared contradict you because you had an answer to everything. You seemed to be so captivated by what you had to say. We would feel your anger when the topic was outraging you. We would feel your certainty when you made clear that your point of view was the right one. ‘Cause your eyes shone when you talked about things that you were passionate about._

_I can remember this class very well because that's how you and I met, do you remember? We were in ninth grade and our teacher was Ms. Miller; I’ve had her ever since. We were in ninth grade and it was a Thursday morning. It was our first class with her. I was anxious, as always. ‘Cause I knew we were in oral communication and I knew I would have to talk. It was honestly the worst feeling for me, and it still is today, and you know it. I've never felt really comfortable. Cause every time people look at me, my throat closes and I can feel my heart beating really fast in my chest. Every time I am the center of attention, my hands start shaking and a heatwave invades my body. I feel like I'm suffocating. But I don't know why I'm telling you all this ‘cause you already know it._

_You sat next to me that day. You already had blue hair at that time. You sat next to me and you said hi while smiling to me. And I was just looking at you without answering. I was too shy and you disturbed me a lot. I thought you were weird and different from the other kids. I think you scared me a little, to be honest. But you kept smiling and you stretched your hand, telling me your name was Josh. And then, we shook hands and I just answered you shyly. And when the teacher asked us to talk about something we liked in front of this class, I bit my lower lip anxiously and your smile just grew radiant. You were the first one to speak that day. You talked about Harry Potter. And everyone smiled, starting with me. It's weird, isn't it? That I remember this day this well. But you seemed so passionate that I was brave enough to start a conversation with you after the class. You just smiled at me again and we talked about the books for more than half an hour. And I came back home, so excited to tell my mom I had spoken with a blue haired boy who loved Harry Potter._

_You already knew it back then. And how could I have known you were going to leave me forever two years later? It's such a short time. And it's the number of years we spent together. And that's what I said. ‘Cause today, she asked us to talk about someone special. And she wanted me to go first. I think she did it on purpose, Josh. She knew I was gonna talk about you. Everybody knew. I didn't have to get up and talk in front of the board so I stayed put. I think she wanted me to get this off my chest. Maybe she thought I was strong enough to talk about you for twenty minutes. Maybe she thought one year is enough to move on. But it's never enough, is it? She wanted to help. So I talked about you. I talked about you and your bad temper. About your stupid smile that used to drive me crazy. About all those moments we spent together. But the more time went by, the more it became physically difficult to speak. Cause I was terrified, Josh. Cause you aren't here anymore. Cause you left me and I feel so lonely without you here. And the only person who could have calmed me is you. So I tried to find you everywhere in the classroom. Until I realized you weren't coming back. Never. So I left. I got up and I left the school. I didn't want them to see me cry. I hate looking weak in front of others, you know that. I ran to my house and I locked myself in my room to tell you I miss you._

 

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you. However hard I try to get back on my feet, the world without you is a sad place._

 

‘ _Cause right now, I'm crying because of you and the irony is that you're the only one who could comfort me._

 

‘ _Cause sometimes I just tell myself that maybe joining you isn't such a bad idea, after all._

 

_T._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	4. Chapter 4

_30/01/2015_

 

 

_Why did it have to take you away from me? That's the question I’ve been asking myself for several weeks now. Cause at first, you don't really think about it. You refuse to think about it and you just try to convince yourself of the opposite. But it's still here. And it smashed you._

_I will always remember the day you told me. It was a Sunday and I had spent the weekend at your place because my parents were going through a tough time and kept arguing. We were in tenth grade at that time at the beginning of November. And I knew something was going on. I knew it. Cause you were colder. You were more distant. You didn’t really speak to me anymore. And I didn't understand why at all, I was so confused Josh. I didn't understand why you were acting weird. So that Friday I sent you a text. Cause it's much easier to express yourself through a screen rather than face to face. It was a really long text. Cause I was so afraid, Josh. I was so afraid I had done something wrong. I was so afraid I had disappointed you in a way. Because I already liked you so much at that time, Josh. The last thing I wanted was to argue with you. And I suppose you felt bad about it ‘cause you answered me more quickly than usual that day. I still have your message. And I think I'm gonna write it down here. Cause that's why I'm writing these letters, isn't it? To keep you by my side just a little longer. To remember these two years._

 

_'I know you are upset, Ty. You're just too kind to admit it. But please don't think for a second that it's your fault. If I keep my distance these days, it's only for personal reasons. There is something I need to tell you, Tyler. Something I’ve known for quite a long time now. I didn't want to, at first, ‘cause it's going to hurt the both of us. It's going to hurt us so much, Ty, you need to know that. But please, don't think I don't love you as much as I used to. Cause I do. That's why I didn't want you to know it._

_I'm so sorry about your parents. You can stay at my place this weekend if you want, man. And if you really want to know the truth, then I'll tell you. I promise. Please take care.'_

 

_I cried while reading that message Josh. I cried so hard. It’s kind of silly, isn't it? I'm sure you're laughing right now if you're reading these words. Well, at least I hope so. Cause it's as if I can't remember my own laugh. Of course I still do sometimes, when I don't think about you. But as I said, I cried while reading your message ‘cause I was so relieved and so afraid at the same time. I was so afraid of what you needed to tell me. ‘Cause you seemed so serious, Josh, and you were never serious. You were the kind of guy who would keep saying anything and everything just to make me laugh. The kind of guy who never went into too much trouble. You usually were so optimistic. That's why the message scared me. ‘Cause it wasn't the type of conversation we generally had. Of course we could be serious. But just not like that._

_And then, I came to see you. And that Sunday I asked you to tell me what was going on. And I think you were waiting for me to ask you. I don't think you would have told me otherwise. ‘Cause you knew I wouldn't like what you had to say. And you were right. God, you were so right._

_But you told me anyway. And again, you weren't the one crying. I was. Cause I didn't want to believe such a thing. Damn, I didn't want to. At first, I even thought it was one of your bad jokes. But you were so serious, Josh. You were so serious that I just knew. I knew it was the truth. So I hit you. I hit you so hard. Cause I was so angry at you Josh. I hated you for not having been brave enough to tell me before. But mostly because I was sad. I was so sad, Josh. And so I started crying and you just took me in your arms. And I kept crying even more and taking it out on you. Cause I didn't want this to happen to you. I didn't want you to leave me. I didn't want to lose you, Josh. God, I didn't want to lose you._

_So, I'll just repeat this same word a second time: Why? Why you? You didn't deserve this, Josh. You deserved so much more. You were a good person. You were a wonderful person and you were only 17. So, why you?_

_You'll excuse me but I'll stop here. ‘Cause this question will always remain unanswered and tears are flowing down my cheeks and my hands are shaking and it keeps me from writing properly._

_But mostly because I would have liked to see your smile for a much longer time._

 

_I miss you, Josh. I miss you so much._

 

_T._

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

_31/01/2015_

 

_I held you tight in my arms this night before going back home. I didn't want to let go. Cause if I let go, I was afraid you would disappear. Your mom saw us and I think that's when she understood. She understood that you told me the truth. I know it cause she looked at me and she smiled to me sadly. Your parents were so strong Josh. And they still are. So much more than me. I go and see them sometimes. I think it makes them happy. Cause they knew it too. And when I come back home after seeing them, I lie down on my bed and I imagine you sleeping next to me. I can stay like that for hours, just thinking of you, but most of the time, I end up crying. So I just sleep on the bare floor._

_Please, don't think telling me was a mistake. It was the best thing to do, and we both know that. But I had already become so attached to you and that's why I too decided to keep my distance for a few weeks. I was naively thinking that If I grew apart from you, then maybe the pain would disappear and I would be feeling better. So I decided to stop sitting next to you in the bus. I decided not to be with you when we had to work in groups anymore. I decided to stop eating with you for midday and I stayed alone during breaks. I knew how much you suffered from this and i felt so bad too Josh, believe me. But I was convincing myself that it was for the best, that there was no other way._

_But I was wrong. God I was wrong. And I realized it that day. It had been almost three weeks that I was ignoring you and that I wasn't answering your calls or texts. It was a Monday. You didn't come to class that day and I was so afraid you were already gone. I skipped classes that day and I ran to your place. I ran until I was out of breath Josh. Cause I was terrified. When I arrived at your place, your mom was there. She was relieved to see me. She told me you locked yourself in your room the whole week-end and that you didn't really eat anything anymore. She told me you were a mess and that it was my fault. She told me you couldn't bear seeing me disappear from your life. I've never told you that cause I still blame myself so much for this. And I know you wouldn't have been happy to know that your mom told me the real reason of your absence. When I went to see you that day, your room was still so dark. You were lying on your bed and I think you were sleeping. I didn't dare go in cause I was afraid to wake you up. So I just stayed in the doorway during a few minutes without knowing what to do._

_I think the only thing I'm still proud of today, it's what happened next Josh. I never thought I would have been able to say it one day. I was too shy. And I don't think you would have said it either. Even if you wanted to, as you told me a few weeks later. Cause you knew it would hurt the both of us even more if you did. Maybe that's why I pushed myself to make the first move. After a while, I came into your room and I lied down next to you to take you in my arms. You knew it was me, of course you knew. But you didn't say anything cause even if you never admitted it, I know you were angry at me. So I apologized. And that's when I said it. These six words. 'I'm in love with you'. I'll never regret having convinced myself to do so Josh cause you turned over to face me and that's when you kissed me for the first time. And I'll never forget this moment. And I hope you remember it too. I hope leaving this world didn't make you forget all those memories. I hope it didn't make you forget me._

_I'm being silly, don't you think? But hey, It's not my fault if I'm blinded by love. So stop laughing, would you? Cause I know you're laughing right now. I'll stop here Josh. My dad wants us to watch The Lord Of The Rings together as a family. And I honestly think it'll be good for me to spend some time with them._

 

_I hope you're okay, wherever you are._

 

_T._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this part, hope you will for me


	6. Chapter 6

_26/02/2015_

 

 

 

_I said it, Josh._

_And it hurts. God, it hurts so much. I think Eliott was happy. He told me that it meant I had accepted it. But I don't think I did, Josh, I think I just realized it. I knew you were gone the day you left me, of course I knew it. But today, I realized how long life would be without you. I realized I was never going to see you again. And what scares me the most is the fact that I'm not even sure If I will see you again the day I'll be leaving too. I can't be certain and I'm scared Josh. I'm so scared._

_Cause I miss you so much. I know I can't stop repeating the same things but I need you to know that. Can you hear me, Josh? Wherever you are, can you hear me? If you can, just listen to me, please. I need you to know that sometimes I miss you so much that I want to die. Sometimes, I miss you so much that I end up crying in class, in the middle of these corridors we crossed so many times or even in the street. Sometimes, I miss you so much that I blame you. I blame you for leaving me all alone in this world. I know you would have given everything just to spend a little while longer with us but sometimes I can't stop myself from hating you for this. I hate you and I love you so much._

_Even right now, I'm crying Josh. I'm crying and my tears are flowing down my cheek and will maybe erase a few words but I can't stop writing cause it's the only way I have to talk to you, to keep you by my side. Everybody told me that the pain will go away one day but it's still there, Josh. And it's so intense. It's still unbearable. Will it stop one day? It's the question i'm asking myself for several weeks now. It may seems selfish but I'd like it to stop. And I think that's what you want too. I would like to stop crying when I think about you. I'd like to be able to smile when I hear your name in conversations with my family. I'd like to be able to laugh when someone reminds me of these two years. I'd like to stop feeling this deep hole in my chest. I'd like to stop feeling anything. Sometimes, I even wish I had never met you. And please, don't be angry at me cause this feeling never lasts long and the guilt is driving me mad soon after._

_I'm still writing songs, Josh. But they are all so much darker than the ones you read. But I'm still writing cause I think it helps me. It helps me to get it all off my chest. It helps me to express what's going on inside my mind since the day you left. And even if I won't play all these songs in a stadium as you used to say all the time, i think it's thanks to this music that I am where I am today. Cause I feel better. I know it. I feel better than last year even if the pain is still unbearable. And I think it's thanks to this music that I took this important step and finally had the courage to say it._

_I went inside this building today, I sat down in this chair next to Eliott and I think that's when I realized it, Josh. I don't know why I've finally been able to pronounce these three words today but that's the first thing I said._

 

_'He's dead'._

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

_28/02/2015_

 

 

_I remember the day you left me, Josh. Well, I remember this night, mostly. You knew you were going to die so you asked me to leave. I suppose you didn't want me to see you close your eyes for the last time._

_I remember I didn't understand at first. I didn't understand why you wanted me to go away. And that's when you smiled at me that I understood that this time, you weren't going to wake up. So I started to cry. Cause every morning since you were in this hospital, I was opening my eyes terrified by the idea to see this straight and endless line and to hear this continual 'bip' piercing my heart._

_I was crying cause I didn't want to let you go. And that's what I told you. 'I don't want you to go. I don't want you to die'. I kept telling you these words. I was terrified Josh, I was so fucking terrified. I didn't want to accept the idea that you could just die, you know? That you could just stop existing. And never coming back. It wasn't making sense. It doesn't make sense. You were right in front of me Josh, so how could you just stop living? I was crying and you were just looking at me, smiling. And I wanted to hit you so bad, Josh. I didn't understand why you were smiling at me. I was so angry at you and I thought you were selfish. You had this cancer which was slowly killing you, you were going to die and yet, I was the one thinking you were selfish. Cause I wanted you to keep fighting. I wanted you to scream, to yell that you were terrified by the idea of dying. I wanted you to cry and tell me you were scared. But you were just smiling at me while I was crying._

_'I've had the chance to spend two years with the boy I love the most in the whole world. I'm the luckiest guy in earth, Ty. My only regret is not to have enjoyed him a little longer'. That's what you told me, Josh, when I asked you why you were smiling that much. So I wiped my tears off and nodded. Cause I knew that saying these few word was a way for you to beg me to stop crying. You wanted to tell me that it wasn't because you were leaving that life stopped. You were asking me to be strong. But being strong is so hard without you, Josh._

_I couldn't sleep that night, Josh. I tried but I just couldn't. I was waiting for my mom to climb the stairs and to slowly open my bedroom to tell me the news. I was waiting for this phone to ring and for my dad to answer it with a calm voice. Cause they knew it was the last night for you. My whole family knew when I went back home and locked myself in my room to cry. But I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to think about it. I only wanted you, that's all. I couldn't sleep that night so I just wrote. I wrote you this song. And I'd like you to read it. So I'm just going to write it down, okay?_

 

_Now, the night is coming to an end._

_The sun will rise and we will try again._

 

_Stay alive, stay alive, for me._

_You will die, but now your life is free._

_Take pride in what is sure to die._

 

_I will fear the night again._

_I hope I'm not my only friend._

 

_Stay alive, stay alive, for me._

_You will die, but now your life is free._

_Take pride in what is sure to die._

 

_And I don't know if it was just a coincidence but I like to think it was a sign. Cause when I wrote the last word, Josh, I knew it was over. And I was right, cause no more than five minutes later, I heard this phone ring. I heard the footsteps of my dad who was getting up to pick up. So I got up and I made my way to the corridor. I sat on the last step of the stairs and I saw my dad slowly nodding to my mom who just sat on the sofa and put her head in her hands. I think she didn't know whether it was a good idea to wake me up. And I was sitting on this step, looking at them. I wanted to cry so bad but I was trying not to cause I wanted to be strong like you asked me to. I wanted to be strong for you. I wanted to be as strong as you. You were so brave during these two years, Josh. I hope you know that._

_I think my mom didn't have the strength to wake me up cause my dad made his way to the stairs and started climbing them. And I was just looking at him. I just couldn't move. So he just sat next to me and that's when I let it all out and burst into tears, Josh. And I'm sorry if I'm not as strong as you wanted me to be._

_I loved you so much,_

 

_And sometimes, I still don't want to let you go._

 

_Ty._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're very close to the end, guys!


	8. Chapter 8

_07/03/2015_

 

_I told them today. I was a little bit scared at first. I was scared of how they would react, mostly of how my dad would react. My mom already knew and my brothers and sisters suspected it. But my dad isn't really observant and i don't think he realized. He didn't realize how much important you were to me._

_So I told them. I waited for them to be sat at the table and that's when I told them. I told them I was gay. I told them I was gay and that you weren't just a friend to me. I don't know why I just went for it today. I've just had an intuition. I knew it was the good day. I knew I had to tell them today. I don't know why, but I just knew. As you must imagine, my mom just smiled at me. I think she was relieved to finally hear me talking about you. Cause I'm never talking about you to anyone, Josh. Except with Eliot. I think about you all the time, but I'm never talking about you. Cause thinking of you hurts but talking about you is worse._

_My brothers and sisters smiled too. I think they were glad to finally hear me tell them what's on my mind for far too long now. My dad wasn't smiling. He was just looking at me. He was listening to me but he wasn't smiling. I think he was surprised._

_'You loved him a lot, didn't you?' That's what he asked me. So I just nodded. But I said nothing. Cause there was nothing to say. I don't even think he was excepting something from me. And then, we talked about you._

_And you know what, Josh? I laughed. I laughed so hard I was in tears. Cause I thought of you and your stupid jokes. I thought about your laugh, about your smile, about the way you kept changing the color of your hair every month. I thought about your collection of gauges and Cds. You were so passionate, Josh. We were so passionate. You could drum during more than two hours without stopping. You know, when I think about it, I'm sure our band could have been famous. We surely wouldn't have sold out stadiums or the Madison Square Garden like you were thinking but with tenacity and persistence, we could have done it, I'm sure we would. And I would have liked for you to live a little longer so we could at least try._

_I think it's the last letter I'm writing, Josh. Cause at first, I think it was helping me but now, I realized it hurts more than it helps. But also because I'm looking at this photo album you gave me just before you left me. There is this picture of us on your bed, the one you took when I was still sleeping. There is the one you took in math class. I can't remember the name of this teacher but I know you hated him and that we were so bored so you were just being you, and you were annoying him because you thought he was really disrespectful. And he was. There is the one you took in front of the Tower Bridge but I think I already told you about it. There is the one you took in this hospital. I know you wanted me to have all these memories of you so I wouldn't forget about you. There are so many pictures. Some of them make me smile. Some of them make me laugh but none of them make me cry._

_So I just think it's a sign. A sign telling me I don't need to write you these letters anymore. A sign telling me I've started learning how to live without you. I won't forget about you, Josh. Trust me, I won't. The pain will always be there. I'll still have moments when I would want to scream, to beg you to come back, maybe even to join you. But I won't. Cause wherever you are, I know it's not what you want. You want me to live. You want me to fight. You want me to be happy._

 

_So I will. Or at least, I'll try. For you._

 

_I love you, always._

_Tyler_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of this story guys, I hope you liked it, now I have to work on the other unfinished ones!


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